Tommie had a secret fetish but by age 20 had to drop the balls in an emergency medical procedure.
He had been tucking for at least 3 years by slipping his testicles back into the inguinal canal, pulling the empty scrotum and penis down and back toward his crack where it was fastened with tape. When he needed to pee he would grab his scrotum and spermatic cord to pull his testicles out of his inguinal canals. The 20 year old suffered from severe testicular torsion that required an immediate orchiectomy.
In the aftermath, Tommie struggled to come to terms with his new identity. ‘When I awoke from the surgery all I felt was pain. Everything was so sensitive. I couldn’t even bear to think beyond that and the fact that I was no longer a man’, recalled Tommie. The pain wasn’t just physical but emotional and psychological. He felt ashamed, emasculated and inadequate on one hand but deep within believed that karma had its reckoning.
A year post surgery Tommie found that despite medication he was losing muscle, had zero libido and no longer had any drive for sex. ‘I just couldn’t orgasm. Worst of all I found that I was no longer attracted to my girlfriend and eventually we broke up. I reckoned I was a eunuch. It took some time to come to terms with that “, conceded Tommie.
Tommie is not alone in his predicament. Psychologists confirm that many young men struggle to cope with the psychological impact of an orchiectomy. Dr. Elena Meggiolaro from the Scientific Institute of Psycho-Oncology Meldola, Italy says ‘Because of the symbolic nature of the testes, the loss of this organ may affect masculinity, sexual identity, and body image. Castration or (hemi)castration is linked to fantasies, beliefs, myths, and cultural values about the testes that can have a severely traumatic effect and psychological consequence on the person. Thus, concerns related to sexual and reproductive functioning may generate feelings of inadequacy, hopelessness, and emotional distress. After removal of a testicle by orchiectomy, the person may have long-lasting feelings of loss or shame. Such feelings were more common among younger and single men than among older and non-single men. There was no correlation between feelings of loss or uneasiness and shame and having or not having a prosthesis, although offering a testicular prosthesis may help to reduce the trauma induced by this experience’. Another psychologist added ‘ In severe cases some men may even develop body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) – a condition where people become fixated on imaginary flaws in their appearance. This can lead to serious mental health problems such as anxiety and depression’, he warned.
For Tommie everything was so sudden and his life was going through various new phases too quickly. Year 2 post op brought Tommie a new surprise. He found that his libido was gradually returning but surprise surprise this time it wasn’t for beautiful women.
‘I was very confused”, said Tommie. I always identified as heterosexual male and was never attracted to men at all. It was just something to get off. Period.”
Fortunately, there is help available for those struggling to come to terms with their gender identity and Tommie sought counselling. Today, Tommie is 24. He is no longer Tommie but presents as Tanya and she amuses everyone as she makes light of her predicament with her ruse. Tanya is a true Hero for being brave in the light of adversity and accepting her destiny and making the best of it. She still does not realize that it was tucking that brought about this fate and jokingly states ‘I was unaware there was a woman inside but fate had it that I should be a woman. My balls got the message and killed themselves’.
A medical journal appropriately titled From Tucking to Twisting; A Case of Self-induced Testicular Torsion in a Cross Dressing Male documents how a 24 year old American male crossdresser had to drop the ball. Unlike Tania, he got away with one too few. In a separate incident a male-to-female pre-op Filipino transwoman found herself requiring immediate bi-lateral orchiectomy due to testicular torsion caused by tucking. Well, at least she was mentally prepared.
‘It seems like just yesterday they were there. I often fondly miss them’, bemoaned Tania. ‘At night, I sometimes dream I have balls and can actually feel them between my legs’.